Saturday, 22 September 2012

i've learned false apathy after all this time.

growing up had its fair share of difficulties. some have been long gone, passe, forever forgotten. however, there are those that we bring up to this stage of life, buried in our hippocampus, buried beneath, suppressed wanting to get out. as for me, it's taboo. even my mind dares not to think of it. albeit the last few weeks, circumstance made me ponder, toying at the situation (more than i should). it's self-destructing each time i try to analyze, to assess. what the heck is going on? how did we freaking come about this point? this is one of those my-life-is-so-friggin-messed-up-right-now moments. this is how it has always been.

the cold war has already commenced since god knows when. subtle. unnoticed. but everybody knows of its existence. well, at least the inside people do. as to the culprit behind this war, the truth escapes me. this isn't a who dunnit scenario. after all, there's always two sides of a story (at least two that is). one side quietly waging war against the other. and in silent retaliation, the other fights back faster than you can think of blitzkrieg. as two opposing sides battle...what of the 'victims'? well, i assume, we all know what happened during the holocaust. let's not elaborate. 

why the world war ii analogies?(why not?) what better way to describe this than war (for as mari meia would put it: war is like an endless waltz)? in the past, war has tarnished countries, torn down monuments, ruined bands of friendship and has separated families. war has imposed on us to take sides, whether you are on the right side or on the wrong side (if there is such a thing as right and wrong).

yellow journalism at its best. it's a never ending. poisoning us with half lies and half truths (lies all the same). each side trying implant in my brain what i should believe in. using us as weapons. as vessels to destroy. and when you can't follow orders...the usual lines when being reprimanded goes:

"is that what you want? to be like them?"

or something to this sort:

"who are you depending on? them? well, then. leave and be with them. you belong with their kind."

or the occasional:

"here we go again. acting like him/her. why do you have to be so difficult?"

the sad part of it is you don't know any longer. whether having an attribute of theirs is a good thing or the opposite. you seem to have developed a feeling false apathy. how should i feel?hmmm. should i feel disdain? remorse? appreciation, perhaps? it leaves a person bewildered. they come in subliminal messages, you see. "choose me! i'm better than them. i'm right!" 
the dilemma here is that you can't just choose one without 'betraying' the other. regardless of setbacks in character, they should be treated equally. fair and square. no bias.

despite the slight indifference toward this mindless spat, it leaves my thoughts to ponder. someday, will it come to a point wherein i have to make a decision and choose one? should i take one? don't i have other options? i just hope not. for pete's sake, this is not my battle. i will not fight for the reasons you want me to. leave me out of this. i wish to be belgium (or at least i try to be as much as possible).

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