brain drained

oh the woes of being out of college. we all had a difficult time with reports, papers and theses. pursuing graduate school/medicine/law is a different ball game. higher learning entails a higher amount of work load.

what is life?

 i know i'm suppose to be enthusiastic about learning more about the field i've chosen but, lately, (the 2 or 3 weeks i've spent in this hellhole) my (so-called) zest for learning is definitely waning (and fast). plus, i think i'm going insane (see? i've completely disregarded grammar and capitalization) with everything. even to the point that i'm conjuring up a spectre in our bathroom and closet. and yes, we lit our incense sticks and chanted some mumbo jumbo just to get rid of my delusions. back to the subject at hand, i knew getting into graduate school would mean a different set of candle burning tasks. maybe, i just didn't gauge as to how i can handle all the load.

why is it never in my favour?

as i type away, i have readings that speak another language. i have not completely deciphered what it's trying to convey. give up, kiddo. you can't take it anymore. but i'm used to fighting the odds. i should welcome this kind of insanity. it will soon become a normality.

hello, maker.

i've learned false apathy after all this time.

growing up had its fair share of difficulties. some have been long gone, passe, forever forgotten. however, there are those that we bring up to this stage of life, buried in our hippocampus, buried beneath, suppressed wanting to get out. as for me, it's taboo. even my mind dares not to think of it. albeit the last few weeks, circumstance made me ponder, toying at the situation (more than i should). it's self-destructing each time i try to analyze, to assess. what the heck is going on? how did we freaking come about this point? this is one of those my-life-is-so-friggin-messed-up-right-now moments. this is how it has always been.

the cold war has already commenced since god knows when. subtle. unnoticed. but everybody knows of its existence. well, at least the inside people do. as to the culprit behind this war, the truth escapes me. this isn't a who dunnit scenario. after all, there's always two sides of a story (at least two that is). one side quietly waging war against the other. and in silent retaliation, the other fights back faster than you can think of blitzkrieg. as two opposing sides battle...what of the 'victims'? well, i assume, we all know what happened during the holocaust. let's not elaborate. 

why the world war ii analogies?(why not?) what better way to describe this than war (for as mari meia would put it: war is like an endless waltz)? in the past, war has tarnished countries, torn down monuments, ruined bands of friendship and has separated families. war has imposed on us to take sides, whether you are on the right side or on the wrong side (if there is such a thing as right and wrong).

yellow journalism at its best. it's a never ending. poisoning us with half lies and half truths (lies all the same). each side trying implant in my brain what i should believe in. using us as weapons. as vessels to destroy. and when you can't follow orders...the usual lines when being reprimanded goes:

"is that what you want? to be like them?"

or something to this sort:

"who are you depending on? them? well, then. leave and be with them. you belong with their kind."

or the occasional:

"here we go again. acting like him/her. why do you have to be so difficult?"

the sad part of it is you don't know any longer. whether having an attribute of theirs is a good thing or the opposite. you seem to have developed a feeling false apathy. how should i feel?hmmm. should i feel disdain? remorse? appreciation, perhaps? it leaves a person bewildered. they come in subliminal messages, you see. "choose me! i'm better than them. i'm right!" 
the dilemma here is that you can't just choose one without 'betraying' the other. regardless of setbacks in character, they should be treated equally. fair and square. no bias.

despite the slight indifference toward this mindless spat, it leaves my thoughts to ponder. someday, will it come to a point wherein i have to make a decision and choose one? should i take one? don't i have other options? i just hope not. for pete's sake, this is not my battle. i will not fight for the reasons you want me to. leave me out of this. i wish to be belgium (or at least i try to be as much as possible).

ambivalence describes the way i think i feel towards you

lub dub lub dub lub dub

amplified by a thousand per minute

to the point of losing sanity itself

feeling of losing consciousness 

stop! halt! 

there is something wrong about this system if mine

hard wires?

checking...

virus detected

preparing to delete

just one moment. hold on.

just a glimpse, to check, that is all

plan to delete: abort

reminds me of a cookie in a jar

no. no. no,

surely you jest?...

this is one of those paradoxical puns...

i relish myself in sweet misery. 

a guilty pleasure, perhaps?

so then, the canary decides to observe

suggested plan of action: 

none.

*was i such a sap? damn...

someday, aneurism will get a hold of me

i am in dire need of letting the words come out

Spit it out, i say

Go free

Be engulfed by flames

Express myself. subtle or not.

There is no use in suppressing it.

Risk the explosion of colorful words

And unintended emotions

*whoa. haha was i mad or something?

signs of erotomania

it was never fair to begin with

both you and i

intertwined

never believed in deux ex machina

there are things that do not require divine intervention

never mind the bottomless pits and shortcuts

fate was never in my favor

they are slaps on the face. wake up calls

it's over you and i

the inevitable end

the senseless beginning

was there even a moment to begin with?

all so bittersweet

but all in the mind. 

*2 years ago. what the hell?

do normal people feel depressed for no reason?

I seriously feel the anxiety, even if there's no stimulus. That's just me, sometimes. My heart either skips a beat or it drums loudly and at an accelerating rate. Why does it suddenly do that? The thought plagues me for hours. I've tried distracting myself by reading or watching cartoons,but to no avail. This state that I'm in? It's frustrating me for many reasons. Number one is "How in seven hells am I going to get rid of this?".

There are cases, however, when I make such a fuss about other things that haven't even started yet. Take for example, my impending academic life. I'm not waiting for something terrible to happen. I just know for a fact that terrible things occur whenever I pursue, well, anything for that matter. Despite the negativity, I try not to dwell (really?) on those things. I seriously do...not.

After all this, I just want to look for a way stop this...THIS. I think I need someone to write to, even talk to.

no waving of white flags here

don't  you find it irritating when you're not given the chance to explain yourself? you're not lying. you just want your point to be heard. you're merely saying something in defense to those...accusations.

i haven't done anything.

i didn't mean it that way.

and it falls to deaf ears. why do i even bother? well, because i have to prove that I've not committed anything wrong. i mean, if you're already angry, please, don't redirect it towards an innocent. you're just waiting for another fight to happen. and i'm telling you, it's never pretty. never was. never will be.

the best part of it is the chest pounding never subsides. thinking about the situation only fuels it and it keeps you typing.