someday, aneurism will get a hold of me

i am in dire need of letting the words come out

Spit it out, i say

Go free

Be engulfed by flames

Express myself. subtle or not.

There is no use in suppressing it.

Risk the explosion of colorful words

And unintended emotions

*whoa. haha was i mad or something?

signs of erotomania

it was never fair to begin with

both you and i

intertwined

never believed in deux ex machina

there are things that do not require divine intervention

never mind the bottomless pits and shortcuts

fate was never in my favor

they are slaps on the face. wake up calls

it's over you and i

the inevitable end

the senseless beginning

was there even a moment to begin with?

all so bittersweet

but all in the mind. 

*2 years ago. what the hell?

do normal people feel depressed for no reason?

I seriously feel the anxiety, even if there's no stimulus. That's just me, sometimes. My heart either skips a beat or it drums loudly and at an accelerating rate. Why does it suddenly do that? The thought plagues me for hours. I've tried distracting myself by reading or watching cartoons,but to no avail. This state that I'm in? It's frustrating me for many reasons. Number one is "How in seven hells am I going to get rid of this?".

There are cases, however, when I make such a fuss about other things that haven't even started yet. Take for example, my impending academic life. I'm not waiting for something terrible to happen. I just know for a fact that terrible things occur whenever I pursue, well, anything for that matter. Despite the negativity, I try not to dwell (really?) on those things. I seriously do...not.

After all this, I just want to look for a way stop this...THIS. I think I need someone to write to, even talk to.

no waving of white flags here

don't  you find it irritating when you're not given the chance to explain yourself? you're not lying. you just want your point to be heard. you're merely saying something in defense to those...accusations.

i haven't done anything.

i didn't mean it that way.

and it falls to deaf ears. why do i even bother? well, because i have to prove that I've not committed anything wrong. i mean, if you're already angry, please, don't redirect it towards an innocent. you're just waiting for another fight to happen. and i'm telling you, it's never pretty. never was. never will be.

the best part of it is the chest pounding never subsides. thinking about the situation only fuels it and it keeps you typing.

dear you,

so i'm writing this to you. 

how about a minute? i cannot seem to fathom the lack of time. don't i sound desperate? funny. but it feels crappy. all the self-blame, the denial, unspoken anger. all i can do is scoff. psssh. oh what the hell. i'm not doing anything about it. i can't put the words together. i can't make you understand. after all, i should do ALL the understanding. i am THE EXPERT when it comes to human behaviour. yeah, that's me. i have to adjust too. i have to make do. 

why do i have to exert so much effort? and to think i prefer to be by myself. i feel so out of touch anyway. i'm not included anyway. it wouldn't be a problem. gaaah. this sounds like a freaking diary entry. "dear diary, i shouldn't have..." sad, isn't it? it's true. 

so, what the hell should i do? 

nothing.

no thanks to you.

not sincerely yours,

me

plan 748937592107527421984

i know. i should be working on my plans for world domination...bah. who am i kidding? my formal report needs editing (ctrl+c and ctrl+v). well, in the mean time.

enter musings...

sometimes you're too self-absorbed that you forget that you forget to pay heed to other people. it's not that your opinion doesn't matter. it's more of THEIR opinion also matters. in fact, it may be better than yours. besides, at the end of the day, YOU get to decide. what i'm saying is that you should seek other possibilities, weigh in options...

bent ego

just like an inkblot a speck of dust -a waste of necessary space
try as you might to get rid of it
you won't even notice
the presence
the opinion
the memory
what a brooder
a true blue introvert
lost in one's thoughts
preferring to stay
than face nonchalant reality
with deaf ears and blind eyes
the turning of heads and the unassertive hand
there is no way out
just all in the mind

* i don't even know what i wrote...or do i?.......