do normal people feel depressed for no reason?

I seriously feel the anxiety, even if there's no stimulus. That's just me, sometimes. My heart either skips a beat or it drums loudly and at an accelerating rate. Why does it suddenly do that? The thought plagues me for hours. I've tried distracting myself by reading or watching cartoons,but to no avail. This state that I'm in? It's frustrating me for many reasons. Number one is "How in seven hells am I going to get rid of this?".

There are cases, however, when I make such a fuss about other things that haven't even started yet. Take for example, my impending academic life. I'm not waiting for something terrible to happen. I just know for a fact that terrible things occur whenever I pursue, well, anything for that matter. Despite the negativity, I try not to dwell (really?) on those things. I seriously do...not.

After all this, I just want to look for a way stop this...THIS. I think I need someone to write to, even talk to.

no waving of white flags here

don't  you find it irritating when you're not given the chance to explain yourself? you're not lying. you just want your point to be heard. you're merely saying something in defense to those...accusations.

i haven't done anything.

i didn't mean it that way.

and it falls to deaf ears. why do i even bother? well, because i have to prove that I've not committed anything wrong. i mean, if you're already angry, please, don't redirect it towards an innocent. you're just waiting for another fight to happen. and i'm telling you, it's never pretty. never was. never will be.

the best part of it is the chest pounding never subsides. thinking about the situation only fuels it and it keeps you typing.

dear you,

so i'm writing this to you. 

how about a minute? i cannot seem to fathom the lack of time. don't i sound desperate? funny. but it feels crappy. all the self-blame, the denial, unspoken anger. all i can do is scoff. psssh. oh what the hell. i'm not doing anything about it. i can't put the words together. i can't make you understand. after all, i should do ALL the understanding. i am THE EXPERT when it comes to human behaviour. yeah, that's me. i have to adjust too. i have to make do. 

why do i have to exert so much effort? and to think i prefer to be by myself. i feel so out of touch anyway. i'm not included anyway. it wouldn't be a problem. gaaah. this sounds like a freaking diary entry. "dear diary, i shouldn't have..." sad, isn't it? it's true. 

so, what the hell should i do? 

nothing.

no thanks to you.

not sincerely yours,

me

plan 748937592107527421984

i know. i should be working on my plans for world domination...bah. who am i kidding? my formal report needs editing (ctrl+c and ctrl+v). well, in the mean time.

enter musings...

sometimes you're too self-absorbed that you forget that you forget to pay heed to other people. it's not that your opinion doesn't matter. it's more of THEIR opinion also matters. in fact, it may be better than yours. besides, at the end of the day, YOU get to decide. what i'm saying is that you should seek other possibilities, weigh in options...

bent ego

just like an inkblot a speck of dust -a waste of necessary space
try as you might to get rid of it
you won't even notice
the presence
the opinion
the memory
what a brooder
a true blue introvert
lost in one's thoughts
preferring to stay
than face nonchalant reality
with deaf ears and blind eyes
the turning of heads and the unassertive hand
there is no way out
just all in the mind

* i don't even know what i wrote...or do i?.......

scrambled eggs: my (possible) life in shambles [unedited]

Having options give you a wider range of possibilities. Choosing the right path that will pave way to the right direction is a tough decision. It is not advisable to sort it out overnight. A thorough scan of the brain and heart (and by that i meant metaphorically...i mean it literally just pumps blood) is implemented. Forget about the id, the ego is at work in partnership with the frontal lobe (wait...is that the superego or something?). But the amygdala's occasional synapses hinders full focus concentration. Fret not, the right answer will come; be it in a form of a epiphany or plain coincidence. 

Even though the pressure starts to increase, keep press on. One must take CHANCES and weigh in CONSEQUENCES. At least, that is what you try to tell yourself. In reality, every option is laced with absolute despicable undeniable fear of failure. There is a also the mindset of an existentialist: "What is my purpose?" "How will I be able to satisfy my intrinsic needs?". Go forth and philosophize(?)...

Becoming a hobo is DEFINITELY out of the question. There is a sense of dread that accompanies the life of that of a hobo. A hermit lifestyle would not suffice either. Hello, multitudes-of-animals-I-am-not-Noah and welcome to my humble abode. The superego suppresses those ruminations. SAPERE AUDE. Dare to know. To go beyond the borders of your comfort zone. Keep steady the reins of your imagination within the bounds of reality. Awl iz vell [(it's how rancho pronounces it)-> movie: 3IDIOTS]. The zone of actuality is vast. Still the dust has not settled. Gravity is playing a prank on you. 

Impatience never really worked for anybody. It keeps the mind fixated on negativity and RIDDIKULUS ridiculous what-ifs: "What if it turns out to be bullocks?" "What if something goes wrong?" What if I regret about the whole shebang?". Yes, a whole lot of WHAT-IFs...

So stop hurting your brain and begin commencing action. After all, what could possibly (not) happen? Albeit the fear is very much pronounced, do not consign to oblivion that inaction may lead to a dire aftermath (or can of worms if you prefer). Not knowing what to write after another chapter is done is excruciatingly difficult to handle. 

Where should I  fare from here? I'm at a point wherein I just walloped some random git at the Leaky Cauldron. What in blue blazes... And here I thought everything would be smooth sailing after this whole hullabaloo. I reckon this whole mess is because of ME! I haven't fully grasped the concept of these sorts of things. How could I? No amount of books can provide me with an adequate answer. No, not even a green-lightsaber-weilding-puny-big-eyed-alien can do that. What I do know (nooooooo! really?) is that it is up to ME MOI AKO. and...that's not an easy feat to accomplish...

now, where do I begin?

that neighbour of mine

do remember
to weep for the forgotten
lay flowers on the barren wasteland of their memory

for they were there
when times were difficult
when you have triumphed

always present
never seen
just an image of what has been

and what will always be
a shadow, unseen, unheard
never acknowledged

not a pang of sorrow when they've faded
just a strong sense of familiarity and unfamiliarity
a ghost of nothing

so say your empty farewell
and be kind
begone invisible stranger